She took me there against my will!!

 It began so well. She was actually wearing a dress and cotton pants. No sweaty denim, or constricting nylon jeggings. We were off on a vaginal adventure - a vagenture! A Swishy, windy day out feeling free. The penis biped drove us in his electric tissue box, graced us with air conditioning and left the heated seats off.  I had no idea of our destination, but enjoyed the journey. What bliss, with chilled air wafting over me, glimpses of sunlight, music playing, with little conversational noise. How serene. Gently supported by BMW squishy upholstery, we relaxed in the gentle folds of thigh and pant. 

Then we stop. I can feel her tension. Something is up. Muffled voices alert me to the fact we have left the vehicle and are looking for a ward. oh.my.God. We are at a hospital!!!! This can only be described as the vaginal equivalent of a pet going to the vets, or should I say "pussy tricked into attending the gyneacoligist." Holy fuck. What a bitch. No warning and taken hostage, no voice to protest and no way of blocking entry. Maybe I can write an s.o.s in menstrual blood for another distressed vagina to find? I could clap the flaps to alert someone to my distress or generate fanny farts to pump out morse code signals? But its too late. We're in an office with a male biped, firing questions at us at a rate of knots with apparently no compassion or kindness. He is talking about us as though we are purely cells or flesh. My panic is accelerating at rocket speed.

She's ushered ino a small room and I can smell disinfectant and sanitary products. If I had hands I'd be banging on the doors to get out. Oh god I'm exposed. The pants are off. I'm naked and exposed. Then calamity. Her legs akimbo, I'm revealed in all of my "glory" to what looks like 3 white choral singers in plastic aprons and an elderly Asian doctor who looks like the toy cleaner from toy story 2. Stasi vagina beasts are at the soft velvet door. Words like speculum, coil, hysteroscope and pipelle biopsy are thrown around casually like confetti. 

I'm expanded with the plastic crocodile jaws and he approaches with what can only be described as a metal pole with a plug on it. She is tensing and tensing and as it disappears to brutalise sister cervix and cousin womb, she swears with a flourish and skill of an eastend docker. I'm so proud, and she continues to say fuck very loudly over the patronisingly pseudo helpful vag backing singers as they try to distract her with questions about her daily life!!

Oh dear god. They pull out the I u.d (with an explosion that feels like an I.e.d) and wave it in front of her face saying "do you want to see?" Not bloody likey I think. I'm still stretched like fleshed out clingfilm as they present the final instrument of despair. A hollow mental tube with a blade on the end that punctures small discs out of cousin wombs uterine wall, pock marked for science and drawing the phrase from my carrier "I've fucking had enough!!"  Now my raging woman who's stirrupped legs are begining to flail about, is going a bit bonkers! 

The sing song chorus of, "oh we're done/you were so brave/here's a pad the size of a beach towel/if I see you in the street I promise not to tell anyone I've seen your most hidden feminine features..mound.. curtains.. cervix." Rings around the small sanitised room. She's having a bit of a cry and we all feel sore and vviolated. i can tell she wants to kill someone but instead says thank you and waddles back to the electric powered tissue box. Gynecological warfare is temporarily over.

And now we recover. Gently held on the sofa watching movies cousin, sister and I convene in gentle retraction. I feel that I can forgo anymore day trips for now. The soft/hard sausage lodger will not be paying a visit either if I get my way, but that's for another day. So now we rest and wait.

Week 3 lock down

So what is a vagina, muses my female transporter. Well, I say:

"The vagina is an elastic, muscular canal with a soft, flexible lining that provides lubrication and sensation. The vulva and labia form the entrance, and the cervix of the uterus protrudes into the vagina, forming the interior end." Thanks, Webmd.com for that sanitised explanation.

Its been 3 weeks, and the elastic canal in partnership with the pink taco has been experiencing new things in this lock down extravaganza. Yoga is one of them. Thankfully, considering my elasticity and flexible lining, the god awful bending she is inflicting on me seems to not cause permanent damage. She also pushes her face into the carpet (No lesbian pun intended) and rams us upwards to the sky at regular intervals. I'm afforded a short glimpse of some odd light fixtures and a small breeze passes by. Then we're back down on the ground. What do you mean Adriene, pull back the bottom cheeks so the bones are on the floor connected. OOWWWW... I feel an impending terror that vagina and canal elastique may sucker onto the floor like a plunger and never come away. How would the transporter call for help in this situation? What would she say? "Husband, I'm vacuum plunged to a hard surface by my vagina. Can you bring a pallette knife and pop me of please?

Oh and walking. Never ending walking. Walk, walk, walk. Bloody walk. But, an upside, the transporter is menopausal, so sister bladder isn't always able to make the 6 mile trek.  The joy of lady garden meets field of grass is exhilarating when the emergency evacuation begins!! Full view of grass and countryside. Warm sunshine, fragrant winds. Male transporter: Do you want a drink of fanta? Female transporter: I don't know. I might need to go to the loo again. Vagina: TAKE THE FUCKING DRINK BITCH!!

And finally ping pong. A ridiculous game, involving hitting an orange ball backward and forward across a net. I experience swinging. No, not "Swinging" but jiggling of meat like folds, side to side, with the odd jolt or tremor.. There are jokes about ping pong balls in vaginas, and I'm suddenly afraid. There won't be any shoving of spherical objects into this vajajay!! This furry cupcake is not for ball ball playtime!

And then rest. The sun has come out so I get to sit outdoors on a metal chair with a lattice view. Every now and then birds pass by. It's peaceful. I've reached a time of canal serenity. Let's hope it stays this way. How long is there to go on this lock down journey? Will I dry up through boredom or will menopause nazi collapse cervix sister into my private space.... who knows. Time will tell.

Adjusting

In "day of the triffids" by John Wyndham, these funny green lights appear in the sky, blinding pretty much everyone, then the next day killer vegetation starts growing in the streets and all hell breaks loose. Some people isolate, some run, some hunger for power and control.The fabric of society and humanity rapidly disintegrate and eventually a select sighted few, move to the Isle of wight. Because she knows this, I know this. It currently feels a bit like this. I wonder if she's thinking about the Isle of wight? I know for a fact when she was 21 she was asked to never come back to the isle of wight as she'd be arrested. She tried it on a football tour and nothing happened. Maybe it is an option after all??

My transport female has a partiality for dystopian disaster stories, and an actual mental illness. When said out loud, this doesn't sound too good. The current climate could play into paranoia and fear. Its not what it seems, believe me. She's very fond of reality and therefore, is following the rules and doing as she is told about isolation. It's tricky. The fallopian_ovarian cysterhood have been communicating, and things have changed in the outside world. For me as her vagina, it feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I mean literally, she is spending so little time as a wandering biped and seated for large parts of the day, that  I'm squished in by the lady garden and no light is entering the tunnel.

Normally, and particularly in spring, it would be so bright I would be out on visits, wandering grassy hillsides and even being submerged in water. She calls is "Swimming" I think. I'd catch glimpses of the outside through a loose shorts side panel, or a thin cotton panty. Bright sunshine illuminating snatches of external reality. She isn't brave enough anymore for commando living so my sight of the word is surreptitious. Her partnering penis transporter may, in a moment of spontaneous madness, pull aside coverings and its like being exposed to an overwhelming cinematic experience of sound and colour. She calls him naughty and squeals, and then things go dark again.

Today, she wanted to experiment with indoor cardio as outside running is not currently allowed. I had my reservations. I could hear the smaller genetic versions of her bickering and a rather loud penis owner shouting instructions on her television. There was movement.  It just felt like there was a never ending clang, clang, clang of the the furry clam, slapping together in wild disarray. Wiggling back and forth, dipping up and down giving me motion sickness. No more 30 minutes of jogging. Gone is the gentle swishing together and stroking of my tender flange, to be replaced with a harsh bouncy clashing together, not unlike a 1980's toy of metal balls on someones desks, relentless pendulum bashing with no particular purpose, back and forth.

And then it was over. I am relieved. Thankfully no air has entered the fray or I'd have to exercise smooth muscle to expel it, and she would be embarrassed.  I think we are going to rest. And in resting I can contemplate the readjustments and ponder on the reality of vagina in yoga tomorrow. God help me!

Breaking dawn

And so it begins. My guarded, private life behind the veil of the gusset is disrupted. There is an unrest, a twitchiness, and it doesn't spell the arrival of the fun sausage. Its something more deadly apparently. A virus. Covid-19. My initial thought, obviously, is where are the other 18 covids? Will they come too. And more importantly, do they directly impact vaginas? What do covids look like? Are they like penis daleks or like the dreaded speculum in disguise?

We are a very vulnerable group you know, vaginas. sensitive ph balance, requiring moist environments and no uninvited intrusions. Happily concealed, protected by vulval flowers and a sensitive doorbell. My "transport female" normally cares for me well so I'm hoping things will be ok. She's told me I cannot go for a run, so I wont be flapping past the dog walkers as usual. This makes me melancholy.

 As a vagina, isolation is something I'm already familiar with, but in this heightened time of concern, I wonder if I should peek out beyond the (beef) curtains, and find fellowship. I'm not keen on the vagazelled sisterhood, or the bare faced baddies, but it might be time to reach out. Can vaginas reach out? Maybe I could use the fallopian network and send out messages via the ovarian satellites?

But what should I say. Will they receive me, or reject the more wrinkly version of themselves??? Its a risk I may have to take.