So what is a vagina, muses my female transporter. Well, I say:
"The vagina is an elastic, muscular canal with a soft, flexible lining that provides lubrication and sensation. The vulva and labia form the entrance, and the cervix of the uterus protrudes into the vagina, forming the interior end." Thanks, Webmd.com for that sanitised explanation.
Its been 3 weeks, and the elastic canal in partnership with the pink taco has been experiencing new things in this lock down extravaganza. Yoga is one of them. Thankfully, considering my elasticity and flexible lining, the god awful bending she is inflicting on me seems to not cause permanent damage. She also pushes her face into the carpet (No lesbian pun intended) and rams us upwards to the sky at regular intervals. I'm afforded a short glimpse of some odd light fixtures and a small breeze passes by. Then we're back down on the ground. What do you mean Adriene, pull back the bottom cheeks so the bones are on the floor connected. OOWWWW... I feel an impending terror that vagina and canal elastique may sucker onto the floor like a plunger and never come away. How would the transporter call for help in this situation? What would she say? "Husband, I'm vacuum plunged to a hard surface by my vagina. Can you bring a pallette knife and pop me of please?
Oh and walking. Never ending walking. Walk, walk, walk. Bloody walk. But, an upside, the transporter is menopausal, so sister bladder isn't always able to make the 6 mile trek. The joy of lady garden meets field of grass is exhilarating when the emergency evacuation begins!! Full view of grass and countryside. Warm sunshine, fragrant winds. Male transporter: Do you want a drink of fanta? Female transporter: I don't know. I might need to go to the loo again. Vagina: TAKE THE FUCKING DRINK BITCH!!
And finally ping pong. A ridiculous game, involving hitting an orange ball backward and forward across a net. I experience swinging. No, not "Swinging" but jiggling of meat like folds, side to side, with the odd jolt or tremor.. There are jokes about ping pong balls in vaginas, and I'm suddenly afraid. There won't be any shoving of spherical objects into this vajajay!! This furry cupcake is not for ball ball playtime!
And then rest. The sun has come out so I get to sit outdoors on a metal chair with a lattice view. Every now and then birds pass by. It's peaceful. I've reached a time of canal serenity. Let's hope it stays this way. How long is there to go on this lock down journey? Will I dry up through boredom or will menopause nazi collapse cervix sister into my private space.... who knows. Time will tell.
